But Pardon, Gentles All
by Shinobi Saru Corp
Summary: A series of sequels to The Taming of the Shrew, Much Ado About Nothing, The Merchant of Venice and A Midsummer Night's Dream. Bianca turns out to be an evil mastermind and runs about wreaking havoc with Gertrude, Queen of Denmark. Unfortunately for Bianca, she constantly finds her plans thwarted by inconvenient protagonists.
1. White Widow

**Written by Ryuu**

**AN: **During a Shakespeare class I took in high school, the teacher gave us a list of assignment choices. These were usually topic choices for papers, but after we read _The Taming of the Shrew_ one of the choices was to write a sequel or an alternate ending. So I did. And then I asked permission to do that for the next play, and by the end of the year the teacher included that specifically in the assignments so that I would do it again. Tons of fun! I gave our (very small) class dramatic readings, too, which they seemed to find quite amusing. Anyhoo, here's the first one.

Before you go on, I would just like to point out that I wrote Shakespeare fanfiction. Yeeeeeeah *dons sunglasses*

And you, dear reader, are reading Shakespeare fanfiction! *hands you sunglasses* Go on, put them on. Now you have to say it: "Yeeeeeeah"

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White Widow

"_The Taming of the Shrew", Act 5 Scene 3_

_ Enter Katherina_

KATHERINA: My sister Bianca and the Widow are growing more and more discontent with their husbands. It seems to be more than the natural irritation of a wife, for when they look upon Lucentio and Hortensio an expression comes upon their faces as though they would devour the two men. But here they come now! I shall hide myself inside this conveniently placed and empty barrel, and so hear their counsel!

_Enter Bianca and the Widow_

BIANCA: Lucentio does insist that I prepare our supper every night. We have servants for that! But no, he says he loves my cooking better than any he has ever tasted! So I'm forced to work every evening, like a slave! This is too much for my patience to endure. I think that I am going to hasten my plan, and just poison his stupid supper tonight!

WIDOW: A good plan. Hortensio seems to think that just because I married him we should spend time together. This takes time from my other activities. I have better things to do than to speak with such a Neanderthal.

BIANCA: Neanderthal! an appropriate word. You do so have a way with words.

WIDOW: Thank you, my dear. But it gets worse. Hortensio seems to have certain admiration for Petruchio's ways with Katherina, and he grows in his obstinacy every day.

KATHERINA: [_aside_] And now the conversation turns toward my own husband. I think I may have the beginnings of an idea…

BIANCA: So it goes with my own Lucentio. He has flatly refused to allow me around other men; he says I flirt with everyone, and he swears he will keep me under control. That [bleep] Petruchio! It is his fault that our husbands take such a firm hand with us.

KATHERINA: [_aside_] I didn't know Bianca even knew that word.

WIDOW: I believe that we should invite Petruchio to join our own husbands in their sleep of death.

KATHERINA: [_aside_] So it was not in jest that Bianca spoke of poison! The plot thickens. I must now put my young idea into action. [coming forward] Good sister, good Widow, I could not help but hear your talk from within my convenient barrel.

BIANCA: Convenient barrel?

WIDOW: You were inside a barrel?

KATHERINA: And I agree with you entirely. All three husbands must be dispatched, but Petruchio especially.

WIDOW: Why on earth should we trust you if you were hiding inside a barrel?

BIANCA: Your womanly spirit has been crushed by Petruchio. Surely you can no longer desire anything aside from your husband's will.

KATHERINA: My, eh, womanly spirit was but dormant until your talk, sweet honey to my ears, woke it. Now it is roused once again. Allow me to remind you of all that Petruchio has done to me: he humiliated me at our wedding, did not allow me to eat or sleep, beat servants before me, and nearly didn't allow me to come to your wedding, good sister. Then he showed me off like a prize racing dog, making bets on my performance! How could I love him? How can I not hate him?

WIDOW: [_aside to Bianca_] I am convinced. Her logic is sound. And surely if her spirit was as tough as you described to me, it could not be killed, only buried.

BIANCA: [_to the Widow_] Indeed, dear Widow, I was doubtful, until I heard you say that you believed her, for your wisdom is great. [_to Katherina_] We trust you, my sister. I shall forgive you for beating me so often, and we shall incorporate you into our plans. You shall go to Hortensio, Lucentio, and Petruchio, and bring them to this spot exactly five hours from now. Mark the clock; it is now thirty minutes past noon. The Widow and I shall gather our things and prepare our husbands' deaths here. You shall but stop underneath that archway, and you shall not be harmed.

KATHERINA: Thank you for allowing me to contribute to this honourable deed. I shall not fail you.

WIDOW: Good. Come, lovely Bianca, let us gather the necessaries for this action.

[_Bianca and the Widow exit_]

KATHERINA: I shall warn Petruchio and the others of this plan, and then I shall take myself to Bianca and the Widow's rooms to search for some fact that can be used against them.

[_She exits_]

[_Bianca and the Widow enter_]

WIDOW: Come, Bianca, let us set the traps in such a way so that we may appear innocent of their deaths, for such is the art of dispatching husbands in which I am well practiced.

BIANCA: I shall follow your lead. However, are you sure that Katherina will not reveal our secret?

WIDOW: I thought that you were convinced of her resolve.

BIANCA: I still do not trust her. Besides, I have a score to settle with her.

WIDOW: Very well, we shall dispatch her as well.

[_They begin preparing booby traps_]

WIDOW: Hold, Bianca! I hear someone approaching!

[_Hortensio, Lucentio, Petruchio, and Katherina enter_]

BIANCA: [_aside to the Widow_] Wherefore has Katherina brought them so early? Has she betrayed us?

WIDOW: [_to Bianca_] I think not. She is just over eager. We have already prepared drinks, as Plan B. [_to Hortensio_] My sweet husband! Come, drink some wine.

HORTENSIO: I apologize my dear, but my stomach is feeling delicate at the moment. I'd better not.

BIANCA: Will you drink, Lucentio my love?

LUCENTIO: I am sorry Bianca, but I have come here on other business.

BIANCA: But drink while you speak! What business have you come here for?

PETRUCHIO: To unmask you, villainess! [_he points to the Widow_]

WIDOW: How dare you! What villainy—villainessy?—are you accusing me of?

PETRUCHIO: You are not just a widow, but a black widow! You murder husbands for sport! My sweet Katherina searched your rooms, and she found there evidence that you helped your first husband's brother murder your husband. You then married the brother, orchestrated his death, and faked your own. Since then you have been roaming Europe, devouring men, for you are Gertrude, former queen of Denmark!

BIANCA: [_aside_] So Petruchio is into ridiculous conspiracy theories. I would find this fascinating, except that his theory is so infuriatingly accurate.

GERTRUDE: So, I have been found out. Bianca! We must put Plan C into action immediately!

[_Bianca and Getrude attack the men with poisoned knives_]

HORTENSIO: I shall twist that venomous dagger out of thy hand, villainess!

GERTRUDE: Ow!

LUCENTIO: Oh, Bianca; I weep at your betrayal. [_he weeps_]

BIANCA: I don't suppose you could let go of me while you're weeping?

LUCENTIO: [_still weeping_] No.

BIANCA: Then on to Plan D!

GERTRUDE: We don't have a Plan D.

BIANCA: You don't. I do. When no one was looking I filled the convenient barrel with poison gas, and although I have already consumed the antidote, when the barrel explodes in a few seconds and everyone in the building will die, most especially all of you! AHAH**AHA****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****!**

GERTRUDE: No!

HORTENSIO: No!

LUCENTIO: [_still weeping_] No!

PETRUCHIO: Convenient barrel?

KATHERINA: All correct.

BIANCA: What?

KATHERINA: They said no. They are correct. The convenient barrel was removed several minutes ago and replaced with an inconvenient one.

PETRUCHIO: Hang on, hang on—how did all of this barrel stuff happen without any of us seeing?!

KATHERINA: The convenient barrel shall detonate in a faraway field where the gas shall dissipate and no one will be affected by it.

BIANCA: No!

PETRUCHIO: How would it get there in time?

KATHERINA: Yes. I have been keeping a careful watch on you, sister. Just wait 'till I tell father that his sweet daughter was actually a crime lord—crime lady?—in her free time. You wanted to kill everyone and go live somewhere you wouldn't have to pretend to be sweet.

PETRUCHIO: I'm confused.

[_officers enter_]

HORTENSIO: Here are the officers to take you two vipers to prison, and thence to be hanged.

BIANCA: [bleep] you, Katherina!

KATHERINA: There's another word I didn't realize she knew.

PETRUCHIO: This honestly makes no sense.

KATHERINA: I'm sorry, Petruchio. Let us watch the proceedings.

PETRUCHIO: Nope, we're going home.

KATHERINA: But—

PETRUCHIO: I suppose I'll cancel tonight's supper—

KATHERINA: Very well, we shall go home!

_End_


	2. Squashed Comfect

**Written by Ryuu**

**AN:** This really ties in quite closely with the previous _White Widow_ chapter, so you may want to read that first if you haven't already. I wrote this one partially because Claudio annoyed me so much.

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Squashed Comfect

"_Much Ado About Nothing", Act 5 Scene 5_

_Enter Gertrude_

GERTRUDE: That Bianca and I escape together, and then? And then she has her Mafia hunt me all the way to Messina. How dare she?! I hear someone approach! I shall conceal myself in this goodly strategically placed arbour.

_Enter Hero_

HERO: Alas, Claudio has begun to ignore me. I believe he tires of me. Does he really love me? Oh, woe is me! [_she weeps_] No, I must believe that this is but a mood of his. I shall be strong. But, oh, would I have died when he accused me, rather than marry him who does not love me.

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] How now, is this a woman chained by marriage? Held prisoner and unhappy? I must help her. I must dispose of this terrible Claudio.

_Hero exits_

GERTRUDE: I would remove myself from my concealment, but I hear more people approaching. Blast! This is getting uncomfortable.

_Enter Beatrice and Benedick_

BENEDICK: Do but tell me what makest thou give these sad looks, fair lady.

BEATRICE: It is a good and loving husband that can call his lady fair even after marriage. I fear that Claudio is no such husband.

BENEDICK: Is he that bad?

BEATRICE: Aye, Claudio grows neglectful of my poor cousin. Dogberry, after much pressing, did even tell me that he had seen Count Comfect in the company of a pale lady, a stranger. However, I am not certain that that is _exactly_ what he said…

BENEDICK: It can sometimes be difficult to discern his meaning, hid as it always is under so much rubbish.

BEATRICE: If only thou hadst killt him when I asked! But no matter. We must do something to save my dear cousin from further disgrace.

BENEDICK: But what then? Hero would be sad if her husband dies….How if Don Pedro were to comfort her…? He would make her a much better match.

BEATRICE: Yes! Though it pains me to admit it, you do have a certain wit about you today, husband.

_Gertrude emerges from strategically placed arbour_

GERTRUDE: I could not help but hear your talk, good people, and I now offer my help for the liberation of this fair, innocent Hero, although it shall be difficult to arrange something spectacular on such short notice. [_aside_] I shall have to stoop to working alongside a male, but for the sake of this poor woman, I must. I shall also have to dispose of this Don Pedro as well, in order to keep this poor Hero from the prison of marriage.

BENEDICK: Claudio makes a habit of passing through here every day. We have a little while to plan before he comes.

GERTRUDE: [_points_] I suggest that we construct a contraption to hold _that_, and have it drop when this Claudio passes by.

BEATRICE: Yes. This good lady and I shall tell you what to do, Benedick, and you shall construct it.

BENEDICK: _WHAT?!_ That's just dumb, and I'm going to be doing all the work?! What's _that_ even doing in the middle of an orchard?!

BEATRICE: Do. You. Have. An. Objection?

BENEDICK: N-no…

BEATRICE: Good.

_They construct contraption and hang _that_ on it_

GERTRUDE: Hark!

BENEDICK: Someone approaches!

BEATRICE: It is Count Comfect!

BENEDICK: Quickly, hide in the strategically placed arbour!

_They hide in the strategically place arbour_

_Enter Claudio_

GERTRUDE: [_signals silently_]

BENEDICK: [_cuts rope_]

CLAUDIO: Ah! I am killed.

_He dies_

_Enter Don Pedro_

DON PEDRO: What! My friend is killed?...by a…a…whaton earth?!

BENEDICK: I had been looking into Comfect's recent actions, my prince, and he had in fact joined the Mafia and agreed to assassinate your princely self.

DON PEDRO: What?!

GERTRUDE: What?!

BENEDICK: I believe it had something to do with the crime lady Bianca being very attractive and Claudio being very stupid. We were trying to save your grace's life, and the lady Hero's already once besmirched honour, prince.

DON PEDRO: Well…I suppose, if it was really to save Hero's honour…

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] I must act now, while Don Pedro is still deep in extremely confused thought! [_attacks Don Pedro with poisoned dagger_]

BEATRICE: Oh, no you don't! I'll take that, thank you very much!

GERTRUDE: How—?!

BEATRICE: I received a letter from Katherina of Padua warning me of her sister Bianca joining Don Jon and manipulating this Gertrude into killing both Claudio and the prince!

GERTRUDE: At the moment, I don't know whether I hate Katherina or Bianca more.

BENEDICK: What is up with you and poisoned sharp implements?

GERTRUDE: Well, every serial murderer ought to have a distinctive style.

_Enter guards, Bianca, and Don Jon_

BEATRICE: And here comes the guards dragging Bianca and Don Jon from their hiding place in the _other_ strategically place arbour.

DON PEDRO: Hang them at dawn, will you? Oh, and take Gertrude, too.

GERTRUDE: Wait, no, no—

_Guards, Bianca, Don Jon, and Gertrude exit_

_Enter Hero_

HERO: *gasp*! But what has happened to sweet Claudio?!

BEATRICE: There's been a terrible accident! This grand piano fell from that contraption on poor Com—eh, Claudio! Accidently!

DON PEDRO: [_aside to Beatrice_] Why do you not tell her the truth?

HERO: Alas, my poor Claudio! Why has this happened? Oh, woe, woe, woe is me! [_she weeps_]

BEATRICE: That's why. Why do you just stand there, prince? Go and comfort her!

BENEDICK: I do swear they both blush happily. Do your wiles know no end, fair lady?

BEATRICE: No, they don't.

_End_


	3. The Merchant of Time Travel

**Written by Ryuu**

**AN: **Yes, I may reference Doctor Who a little in this. If you aren't familiar with the Weeping Angels, that's fine, I don't think it's really that important, this story is random enough it won't make much of a difference. If you are familiar with the Weeping Angels...well. It might make a squick more sense. Also, this still ties in with the previous two, so you may want to make sure you read them first.

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The Merchant of Time Travel

"_The Merchant of Venice", Act 6, Scene 1_

_An alley in Venice._

_Enter Shylock, trembling_

SHYLOCK: My money—my house—all my possessions, all of the means of my trade! All of it, gone! Oh, woe is me! Curse Antonio, the Christian dog! I had thought to be rid of him, to have had my revenge, but no! It was such a good idea, too…how did I think of it? I think that that pale woman who came with her husband to borrow from me said something about "a pound of flesh" being such a gruesome term…but I digress. Woe is me! Oh, if only I were dead!

VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS: That can be arranged.

SHYLOCK: [_looks down at crossbow bolt in his chest_] Alas! I am killed!

_Shylock's body is dragged into the shadows_

_Scene 2_

_A road some ways outside Venice._

_Enter Gertrude_

GERTRUDE: [_out of breath_] I have barely escaped again! But why will Bianca not stop pursuing me?!

_Enter Antonio_

ANTONIO: How now, madam, are you well?

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] A man! Ugh! Must I accept help from so inferior a species? But it seems I have no choice. [_aloud_] Forgive me, I'm just dehydrated and starving to death, there is no need for concern.

ANTONIO: Madam, you must get food and water at once! Take my arm.

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] Men are so easy to manipulate. I would be having fun, except that I actually am dehydrated and starving to death. But must I really take the swine's arm—! I suppose I must.

_They exit_

_Scene 3_

_Portia's house in Belmont. _

_Enter Portia, Bassanio, Nerissa, Gratiano, Jessica, Lorenzo, Leonardo, Lancelot, Balthazar, and Stephano_

NERISSA: Thank you, sweet madam, for having this celebration! The food smells very good…

JESSICA: And the music is beautiful!

PORTIA: Well, we must celebrate our triumph in court! It was fun, wasn't it, Nerissa?

NERISSA: Very much so, madam!

BASSANIO: Sweet Portia, how did you even think of how to defeat Shylock?

PORTIA: I've had nothing to due but watch potential suitors opening boxes for years. I remembered from the time I got bored and read an entire tomb on Venetian law.

GRATIANO: I am surprised you remembered. I forget everything I ever hear or read about the law.

PORTIA: Well, Nerissa reminded me that I had read that tomb, and asked if there had been anything we could use in it. I remembered then.

BASSANIO: Did you see the look on the Jew's face when fair Portia did tell him that if he drew blood all his goods and land be confiscate?

GRATIANO: And that if he drew a mite more or less than a pound, his life was confiscate as well?

NERISSA: And my dear Gratiano cheering her on!

LORENZO: [_pouting_] I wish I could have seen it.

PORTIA: Pray, tell, what did you and Jessica do while we were gone?

JESSICA: We remembered Grecian and Roman tales in the moonlight, and Lorenzo said many lovely and romantic things.

PORTIA: Like what?

LORENZO: [_blushing_] So, how did it feel, Bassanio, to have Antonio so rescued at the eleventh hour?

PORTIA: Speaking of Antonio, where is he? This celebration was mainly in his honour. Is he late?

BASSANIO: Now that you mention it. I am worried. Antonio is normally very exact; I have never known him to be late.

PORTIA: What, not once? Antonio is a remarkable man indeed.

BASSANIO: This is no laughing matter, Portia!

GRATIANO: Hm? What is no laughing matter?

BASSANIO: Antonio is late!

GRATIANO: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

PORTIA: Judging by his shock, Antonio truly is remarkable.

LANCELOT: Someone knocks at the main doors. I shall go see if it is Master Antonio.

_Lancelot exits with everyone following him_

_Scene 4_

_Enter Lancelot with everyone behind_

LANCELOT: [_opens the doors_]

_Antonio enters carrying Gertrude_

ALL: *Gasp*!

PORTIA: Lancelot, quickly go and fetch a doctor!

_Lancelot exits_

ANTONIO: She needs food and water!

PORTIA: Stephano, Leonardo, fetch her some porridge and water! Balthazar, have a room prepared for her!

_Leonardo, Stephano, and Balthazar exit_

JESSICA: Nerissa, Portia, help me to fan her!

_Stephano returns with water_

PORTIA: Nerissa, carefully pour a little in her mouth.

GERTRUDE: [_sits bolt upright, than grasps head_] Ah, mine head! What happened?

ANTONIO: Be careful, do not move. You passed out on the way here, and I had to carry you.

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] Why do I blush so? Curses! Helped by a man, and now blushing, like all of those weak, dependant women!

_Leonardo returns with porridge_

PORTIA: Eat this. Slowly!

JESSICA: Slow down! You shall make yourself ill!

NERISSA: Truly, you will become ill if you do not eat slower!

ANTONIO: Please, madam, slow down.

PORTIA: [_aside_] She ignores us, but slows as soon as Antonio speaks. And now—is she blushing?—perhaps I am mistaken, but I believe she likes Antonio!

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] Treacherous blood riseth to treacherous cheeks! And treacherous hands follow the orders of a mere man! It must be a result of starvation.

BASSANIO: How now! This strange man with a covered face and a crossbow has just crashed through a window!

JESSICA, NERISSA, AND LORENZO: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ANTONIO: Who are you, and why do you aim your crossbow at me?

GERTRUDE: Oh, no you don't! [_throws poisoned dagger_]

ANTONIO: Amazing shot, madam! You nicked his hand, causing him to drop his crossbow.

GERTRUDE: [_aside_]…why am I blushing again…? [_aloud_] You! Assassin, or whatever you are! That dagger was poisoned. You half about half an hour to live. I have the only antidote. I will give it to you if you tell us who you are and why you are here.

BOB: M'name's Bob, mum! Bianca hired me to kill Antonio! I don't know why! May I have that antidote now, please?! [_he weeps_]

ANTONIO: What, Bianca, the self-styled Pale Death Queen? Why would she want me dead?

PORTIA: I always thought that a silly title. Next thing you know she'll be calling her pet assassins Angels or something equally pompous and ridiculous. Madam, I beg you, give Bob his antidote. I cannot abide his weeping for an entire half-hour.

GERTRUDE: First, he had better be tied.

ANTONIO: I'll do that. I have sailed, so I have learned to tie a good knot.

GERTRUDE: [_aside_] Watch those expert hands go about their work!—*blush* I mean, for once a male is actually being useful. *blushes more* Curses…[_aloud_] Here, Bob, have the antidote.

BOB: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthanky—

GERTRUDE: Why are you thanking me? I poisoned you in the first place.

BOB: Oh, yeah…

_Bianca steps out from behind a Random Pillar, followed by Don John_

BIANCA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You have all fallen into my trap! You have given me time to arrange my Angels!

PORTIA: I knew it. This woman has no taste.

NERISSA: What? We are in the middle of a wood? But only Gratiano, Portia, Antonio, the strange woman, and I—and Bianca and her man. What has happened?

DON JOHN: [_spluttering_] "_Her man?!_" I have a name, you know!

ANTONIO: Where are we?

BIANCA: About three miles outside Athens two thousand years ago.

PORTIA: Say what?

BIANCA: We have time traveled to the past.

GERTRUDE: How do we get back?!

BIANCA: Currently I only have the means to have us transported _back_ in time. I actually came here to acquire the means for travel into the future as well. I was trying to kill you, Antonio, because I could have used your ships to acquire It in a simpler and less dangerous way—traveling to Greece in our own day—but since there was no guarantee I could find It, this really works out fine. I brought you all here because you are the only ones who might have the wits to stop me. It's more fun that way. Good-bye and good luck!

_Bianca and Don John exit, Bianca skipping_

GERTRUDE: I _hate_ her.

ANTONIO: I'm sorry—_time travel_?

GERTRUDE: It is a strange and complicated concept. Back when I was friends with Bianca (which, I would just like to point out, I am _not_ anymore) we studied theories on it, we joked about it. I had never imagined it actually existed. But, if Bianca is trying to master time travel, I've no doubt she intends to dispose of her sister Katherina before Katherina stopped her first scheme. If Kathrina did not—does not?—stop Bianca, I've no doubt Bianca would take over Italy and then the world!

ANTONIO: I shall take your word for it, but would you mind explaining more fully sometime?

GERTRUDE: Of course, sometime when we _have_ time. [_aside_] Why did I just agree to something a man suggested? What's going on?!

PORTIA: So we have to stop her?

GERTRUDE: Yes.

NERISSA: Let us go, then.

_To be continued…_


	4. Bianca's Midsummer Nightmare

**Written by Ryuu**

**AN:** The last one! *sniffles* Read the other three first, if you haven't already. Thank you for sticking with my silliness for this long! I hope that you enjoyed it!

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Bianca's Midsummer Nightmare

"_A Midsummer Night's Dream", Act 6, Scene 1_

_A Wood near Athens_

_Enter Gertrude, Antonio, Portia, Gratiano, and Nerissa_

GERTRUDE: A thousand plagues upon that Bianca!

ANTONIO: So, madam, you have told us this Bianca's history, but you have not yet told us your own, or how Bianca came to be your enemy, or even your name.

PORTIA: Yes; it seems to me that you are a very secretive woman.

GRATIANO: And rather untrustworthy.

NERISSA: Why don't you tell us that now?

GERTRUDE: What, right now?

ANTONIO: Well?

GERTRUDE: M-my name is…Jane Smith, and my parents died when I was young, and then my husband was mauled by…a…unicorn in Africa, and Bianca has been preying on me simply because she's evil. It's not my fault. I'm a victim.

ANTONIO: Come, now. Even supposing we believed the first part of your story (which we don't), Bianca preying on you simply because she's evil? I've been on the receiving end of the wrath of a truly evil man, and yet he had a reason. They always have reasons.

GERTRUDE: Can we do this later?

PORTIA: I don't trust you.

GERTRUDE: Augh, we don't have time for this! We must stop Bianca!

GRATIANO: And how are we all to work together unless we can trust each other absolutely? Simply tell us your history.

GERTRUDE: But—

ANTIONIO: Madam, at least tell us your true name.

NERISSA: Tell us!

_Enter Oberon and Titania_

TITANIA: You _enchanted_ me?!

OBERON: Well, ah, you see—

TITANIA: And had me fall in love with—with—with a man Goodfellow turned into a donkey?!

OBERON: Ah, well, only his head was that of a donkey.

TITANIA: An exceedingly stupid, clumsy, self-centered man at that!

OBERON: …well, yes…

TITANIA: And coerced my Indian boy from me while I was—under The Influence!

GERTRUDE: Oh, look! Sparkly people!

ANTONIO: They are so locked in their quarrel that they don't even notice us.

NERISSA: …Don't they look rather magical to you?

GRATIANO: Yes, I see what you mean, my dear! They do seem—what's the word?

PORTIA: Ethereal.

GRATIANO: Thank you.

GERTRUDE: Don't you see? Magical people—fairies, in fact—in the place Bianca seems to think holds the secret of time travel to the future?

ANTONIO: Yes! They must know something of it. [_to Oberon_] Good sir! A thousand pardons for interrupting you and your lady, but do you know of a thing called "time travel"?

OBERON: Never heard of any such thing. Come, Titania. Let us leave these puny humans.

_Oberon and Titania exit_

PORTIA: Well, _that_ went well.

ANTONIO: Where do we go from here?

GERTRUDE: I've no idea.

NERISSA: I'm beginning to believe it's hopeless.

GRATIANO: We have been wandering aimlessly through this forest for what seems like hours. It's dark now, although it was still afternoon when we arrived. Now we won't be able to see whatever it was we were supposed to be looking for—not that we knew what it was anyway. She said she brought us here to be a challenge to her, but I don't see how that was ever possible.

ANTONIO: Is it possible she brought us here _because_ there is no way we could stop her, and told us we could, just to torture us?

GERTRUDE: I am thinking you are right, good Antonio. Although, I don't believe that fairy male was telling the truth.

PORTIA: And how could you tell, madam? Is that one of the skills you acquired in your past life?

ANTONIO: You still have not told us your name.

GERTRUDE: I did tell you! Jane Smith!

ANTONIO: An English name? With such a convincingly excellent Italian accent? I think there is some Danish hidden in it, not English.

GERTRUDE: How—?

ANTONIO: You forget how much I have traveled. Please, madam. Your name.

GERTRUDE: My…my name is Gertrude.

PORTIA: I knew it.

ANTONIO: Gertrude of Denmark? The Black Widow? The woman who made men fall in love with her, and marry her, and than she killed them for sport?

GERTRUDE: …ye-eees…

GRATIANO: Why you—!

GERTRUDE: Please, I genuinely want to help! Bianca's far more evil than I, and if she manages to take over the world…I daren't think what that would be like.

NERISSA: Are you sure you haven't just chosen poor Antonio as you're next victim?

PORTIA: Yes, you've been blushing very prettily around him, haven't you? The innocent blush is a good technique for man-catching.

GERTRUDE: Please, we have to stop Bianca!

_Titania enters_

TITANIA: Good strangers, I desire to help you.

ANTONIO: What, do you know anything of time travel?

TITANIA: Not personally, but I know that my husband Oberon does. I will help you to get the information you need out of him.

PORTIA: Why would you help us? He is your husband, after all.

TITANIA: I'm sure you heard part of our quarrel earlier. Oberon wanted an Indian boy I was raising on behalf of his dead mother. In order to get the boy from me, he enchanted me to fall in love with a…with an exceeding stupid, self absorbed man whose head had been transformed into that of a…donkey…and while I was under the power of this powerful drug he asked me for the boy and I, not being in my right mind, agreed.

GERTRUDE: I DON'T LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.

ANTONIO: Gertrude, we aren't going to do anything rash. It is far better to heal the relationship between husband and wife than to cut it off permanently by death. It is a much harder task, but a far better path.

GERTRUDE: How did you know what I was thinking?!

PORTIA: We gratefully accept your help. How do you suggest we accomplish this?

TITANIA: My husband is going to go sulk in a clearing filled with Pointless Trees. We can ambush him there if we hurry.

GRATIANO: How can a clearing be filled with trees? Wouldn't it no longer be a clearing then?

GERTRUDE: Please, Antonio! I want to help. Really, and truly!

ANTONIO: Fine. But we are not killing Oberon, all right?

GERTRUDE: Alright. Fine. I promise.

_They exit_

_Scene 2_

_A clearing full of Pointless Trees_

_Oberon enters, sulking_

OBERON: Who does Titania think she is? I'm the husband, she is supposed to submit to me. But noooo. She's all like [_speaks in falsetto_] "Oh, no, you took my little changeling, how dare you?!" Tch.

_Titania emerges from behind a Pointless Tree_

TITANIA: Was that supposed to be _my_ voice?

OBERON: Ah, no, no, of course not, I was just…doing voice exercises.

GERTRUDE: Oh really?

_Gertrude, Antonio, Portia, Gratiano, and Nerissa emerge from behind Pointless Trees_

_They all tackle Oberon and pin him to the ground_

ANTONIO: You lied to us, didn't you? What do you know of time travel?

OBERON: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! What is the meaning of this, Titania?!

TITANIA: Oh, just call it vengeance for the whole Bottom Incident.

GERTRUDE: Will you talk, Sparkles?

OBERON: I haven't the faintest clue what you're talking about.

GERTRUDE: Antonio, the feathers.

ANTONIO: Help me out, Gratiano.

TITANIA: I would like to help a little as well, please.

ANTONIO: But of course.

OBERON: What are you going to do? Tickle me? I should warn you I'm not ticklish.

ANTONIO: Oh, we know.

OBERON: Then what—?

_Antonio, Titanio, and Gratiano stuff feathers up Oberon's nose_

OBERON: AUH!

GERTRUDE: Will you talk?

OBERON: NE'ER!

ANTONIO: Have some more.

OBERON: AUUUUUH! I' HUR'!

TITANIA: Oh, this is so satisfying.

OBERON: AUH! O'AY! O'AY! JUS MAY I' STO!

_Oberon spends several minutes picking feathers out of his nose_

GERTRUDE: You haven't talked yet. Remember that we have you surrounded, and we have a lot more feathers.

OBERON: I'm gonna talk! But my nose is bleeding all over the place…no, no, I'll talk! Robin Goodfellow knows the secret of time travel into the future. It has something to do with his super-speed-thing.

GERTRUDE: Aaaaaand?

OBERON: That's all I know, I promise! [_weeps_]

PORTIA: Now all we need to do is to find this Robin Goodfellow.

TITANIA: Easier said than done. Robin Goodfellow is a knavish sprite who also goes by the name of Puck. It was he that Oberon had enchant me, and he that turned the idiot's head into that of a donkey's. He is both fast and fiendishly clever. I do not believe we can force him to our will like we could my husband.

PORTIA: Then we shall have to talk him into it, or offer him something in return.

_They exit, leaving Oberon still weeping_

_Scene 3_

_Enter Bianca and Don John_

BIANCA: Where is that [_bleep_] little sprite?!

DON JOHN: Please, Bianca.

BIANCA: What, your delicate ears can't handle a little swearing?

DON JOHN: It's crass.

BIANCA: I DON'T CARE! I just want that little sprite!

_Puck enters, unseen_

PUCK: These two knaves appear to want to use me for time traveling. The lady does curse so. I might be able to have a little fun with them.

DON JOHN: What happens if we don't find this Robin Goodfellow? Are we to be trapped in this age until our deaths?

BIANCA: Well, yes, but we shall find him, so you don't have to worry about it.

DON JOHN: I'm beginning to think you were a little rash in sending us here.

BIANCA: We'll be fine. I mean, no sprite is any match for m—hark, what was that?

DON JOHN: Look, in those trees!

BIANCA: I-it's a g-g-giant m-mouse!

DON JOHN: How now, art thou afeared of mice?

BIANCA: And there, rather less frightening, a giant lizard.

DON JOHN: EEP!

BIANCA: They're after uuuuuuus!

DON JOHN: Run!

BIANCA AND DON JOHN: SPIDERS! AAAAAAAAAAAA!

_They exit_

PUCK: Humans are so much fun. I shall plague their steps until they collapse from exhaustion.

_He exits_

_Scene 4_

_Gertrude, Antonio, Portia, Gratiano, Nerissa, and Titania enter_

TITANIA: I see now. So that is why you want to stop this Bianca so badly.

PORTIA: Yes. It is absolutely necessary.

ANTONIO: Gratiano, don't drop that sword.

GRATIANO: It—is—heavy!

TITANIA: That is the sword that Ariadne gave Theseus to slay the Minotaur. He still treasures it, and brings it out to boast of his victory to his friends. Robin Goodfellow should be able to tease Theseus with that.

NERISSA: I feel sorry for Theseus. Are you sure it is okay for us to take this?

TITANIA: Theseus owes me.

_Enter Bianca and Don John, stumbling_

GERTRUDE: There they are!

BIANCA: Mice, spiders, lizards, everywhere! [_weeps_]

DON JOHN: I…can't…run…anymore…

_Bianca and Don John collapse_

TITANIA: This is Goodfellow's work, I am sure of it.

_Puck appears_

PUCK: Thou art shrewd, queen. Indeed, they were speaking of catching me and the lady was saying that I was not a match for her, and I felt duty bound to prove her wrong.

TITANIA: Ah, good Puck! We were looking for you as well.

PUCK: What for? Do not think you can force me. I follow no one's orders but my king Oberon's, and his not very well.

GERTRUDE: No, we would like you to do something for us, in return for Theseus's sword with which he killed the Minotaur.

PUCK: And what would I do with such a thing?

PORTIA: Tease him.

ANTONIO: Surely you are clever enough to think of a thousand ways to tease Theseus with this sword in your possession. Just imagine it. Theseus is the founder-king of Athens, after all.

PUCK: Well spoken! Very well. I could just take the sword from you, but I like the way you humbly approached me with a gift, instead of boasting of catching me. What do you want me to do?

ANTONIO: Take us back to where we belong.

PUCK: I can tell where you belong just by looking at you. Yes, I can and will take you.

GERTRUDE: But first, what are those?

PUCK: Ah, those are some of my souvenirs from the future. I conjured them from where I keep them, and then I gave them life for a little, in order to have fun with these two knaves.

NERISSA: Are those dolls? They are stranger and more brightly coloured than any dolls I have ever seen.

PUCK: Yes, they are. This is a mouse, this is a lizard (to be specific, a crocodile), and this is a spider.

GRATIANO: The lizard and the spider I can see, but are you sure that's a mouse?

PORTIA: It has huge round black ears and gaudy red trousers.

PUCK: Yes, it's a mouse. Earlier I made it more realistic, for the sake of the pale lady. [_giggles_]

ANTONIO: Anyway, we must be gone. Bianca will be sent back to Padua to face justice there, and Don John to Messina.

PORTIA: And Gertrude to Denmark?

ANTONIO: …we-ell…

GERTRUDE: [_Bambi eyes_]

ANTONIO: Gertrude shall come back to Venice with us, change her name, and start a new life.

PORTIA: What?!

NERISSA: What?!

GRATIANO: What?!

GERTRUDE: Really?!

ANTONIO: Yes, really.

PUCK: Come, we shall be gone to Venice.

_They vanish_

TITANIA: Ah, Antonio is, I think, blinded by love. However, so is Gertrude. I must ask Puck to take me to see them sometime.

_Oberon emerges from the trees_

OBERON: Titania, I see you too are fond of uniting lovers.

TITANIA: Hm. I guess I am!

OBERON: We seem to finally have some common ground.

TITANIA: I suppose we do. Your nose is still bleeding, dear.

_End_


End file.
